


i don't really blame you for being dead.

by malcolmreeds



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: M/M, kinda angsty im sorry, let space boos be okay 2k18, spoilers for episode 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 05:13:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13451280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malcolmreeds/pseuds/malcolmreeds
Summary: He and Hugh were meant to be together forever. That was the deal, that’s what he’d told himself. Paul and his beautiful ridiculous doctor against the world.





	i don't really blame you for being dead.

_And I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t sit still or fix things and I wake up and I wake up and you’re still dead._

**_Richard Siken –[Straw House, Straw Dog](http://youngerpoets.yupnet.org/2008/04/17/straw-house-straw-dog-crush-by-richard-siken/) [excerpt]_ **

 

‘I’m gone.’

            Of course Paul had known this, the nagging sensation in the back of his mind that something was not quite right. A scene he had seen in his periphery played out in his head but he tried to block it out, he’d tried to block it out because how could he believe what he saw? He had been half mad, half catatonic, he couldn’t be sure that whatever he had seen was real or just the mycelial network making things up in his mind. That’s what he had told himself anyway, but truthfully, he had known from the second it happened. A sudden emptiness permeated his entire being, a vast coldness clawed at him from the inside out. Still, he wanted to play dumb, even if only for a little while. Saying it out loud would make it permanent, saying the truth would cement it as fact. He wasn’t really ready for that yet.

            ‘What do you mean gone?’ he found himself saying, making a grab for Hugh’s arm, grasping it at the wrist.

            A steady pulse beat through Hugh’s body beneath the palm of Paul’s hand. God, he felt so solid. So _real_. So alive. Who’s to say this whole journey hadn’t been something conjured up by the network from the first time he had plugged himself into the spore drive? Paul had no idea just how vast its capabilities were until he connected to it himself, this could all be some glimpse into the future, into another time. He’d wake up and he’d be back in the chamber and Hugh would be there and it would all be alright, God, it would be okay and –

            ‘I died, Paul.’

            The words hung heavy in the air between the two men. Paul felt his heart rate increase and he screwed his eyes shut for a moment, unable to meet Hugh’s haunting gaze. Hugh was _right there_ in front of him, but Paul hadn’t felt so alone, so utterly and completely empty and helpless, in his entire life.

            ‘Lieutenant Tyler – ‘ Hugh shook his head, as if physically dispelling the words, ‘No, it wasn’t Ash. He wasn’t himself.’

            Paul looked down to his feet, eyes half lidded, lashes wet. The scene played out in his head again. Paul laying on the bio-bed, Hugh and Ash talking, their conversation muffled. Ash getting more and more distressed until suddenly –

            Paul’s heart lurched in his chest as he took in gaspfuls of hot air, the room spinning around him. His trembling hand latched around Hugh’s wrist his only anchor. The permanence and reality of the situation hit him all at once and it took every fibre of his being to hold himself together, to not shout and scream and bang his fists against Hugh’s chest, ranting and ranting about the universe and how so _unfair_ it all was. He and Hugh were meant to be together forever. That was the deal, that’s what he’d told himself. Paul and his beautiful ridiculous doctor against the world.

            ‘I was there,’ he managed to say, voice small as if hearing himself speaking from a long way away, ‘I saw.’

            He rubbed his forehead without looking up, trying his hardest to get his stupid breathing under control. Hugh loosed his arm from Paul’s grip and brought his hand to Paul’s cheek. His fingers were so soft. Paul’s mind raced at a million miles per second. God, would he ever feel those hands again? Was this it, was this the last time they’d be together? If the universe wasn’t so weird they wouldn’t even have had this, but thank goodness for small mercies he supposed. But even if they were given an eternity together it wouldn’t have been enough. There was just never enough time.

            Finally, Paul made himself look up. Concern was etched all across Hugh’s face, but it’s not as if that wasn’t a look Paul was used to these days. He blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill over and locked his hand together with Hugh’s. Something he had done so many times before but this time it felt so desperate and so final, as if Hugh might disappear the second he let go of his hand. Paul clutched it tightly.

            ‘But you’re so real,’ Paul spoke, voice high and breaking at the last word. He swallowed hard, trying to gather himself, ‘You’re right here.’

            Hugh brushed a stray strand of hair away from Paul’s face. It didn’t make sense, God, nothing made sense anymore, but Paul was too tired and fraught to question it. Hugh was here, even if only for a short while, and it had to be enough. It just had to be. At least now he could say goodbye, a luxury he was never given before. And then what? He’d go back to the Discovery? Help them out of their situation and they’d be on their merry way? An empty bed beside him and only one cup of coffee to wake up to in the morning.

            Paul couldn’t keep the tears at bay any longer and once they started he just couldn’t stop. Hugh pulled him close, strong arms wrapped around Paul, holding him tight while he sobbed. Stupid Starfleet and their war. Stupid network and its ridiculous plans. Stupid Hugh and his stupid perfect smile. Stupid Paul for falling hard for him, he knew that the universe was dark and cruel and mean and he still let himself fall in love like an idiot. _Idiot_. His lungs burned as he gulped short hard breaths, Hugh’s hand rubbing his back, Hugh softly reassuring him that it was going to be okay. Paul didn’t know how anything could ever be okay again but his partner’s words were soothing, nonetheless.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Paul had been eerily calm when his eyes snapped open, back to reality, back to his own universe in his own timeline.

_‘Nothing in here is ever truly gone.’_

            Those words rung in his ears as he pried himself away from the mechanism of the spore drive. He had hope now. He had to have hope that he could do the impossible, that he could bring Hugh back. Yes the universe was cruel and cold, but it was also bright and teeming with life and endless possibilities. Who was to say that the network couldn’t do something _right_ for once, that Paul could bring his Hugh back?

            Tilly was there, her face the picture of surprise as Paul stumbled out of the spore chamber, her eyes red rimmed like she had been crying. Her hair different, her clothes different, looking altogether not like her usual self. Paul didn’t think he had ever seen such _relief_ on another person’s face before, but there was no time to talk, no time to think now. He had to get on with his mission. Tilly was frazzled trying to get words out, following Paul as he clattered about engineering.

            ‘I know about Hugh,’ he had told her abruptly, expressionless.

            _‘I don’t want to say goodbye.’_

_‘It’s never goodbye.’_

            Paul was desperate, focused, hopeful. It wasn’t a goodbye. It was a ‘see you later’. It was a ‘keep that seat warm, I’ll be back in a bit’. He was going to do it, death wasn’t an ending anymore, not as far as the network was concerned. He bungled out of the lab, Tilly following his every footsteps, probably thinking his time in the network had driven him to insanity. Fungi bridged the gap between life and death. If he could only get to his mushrooms, if he could only get there then maybe Hugh would be safe, maybe then he could do something and fix this, maybe then he could –

_‘I believe in you Paul. I love you.’_

            The mushrooms were brown and limp and lifeless. The room which had once been abuzz with life now sat cold and quiet. That feeling was back, that icy nauseating chill that clawed away at Paul from the inside. Hope faded abruptly, and Hugh was still dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Read poetry immediately after the episode aired because I'm a sap and I was feeling Emotionally Vulnerable, got inspired by a poem to write this, I've linked it at the top, definitely go away and read it and more work by that poet as his work is extremely good.
> 
> Anyway, I'm still 100% convinced that Hugh will be brought back to life with the power of mushrooms, I just felt like being a bit angsty today. Thank you so much for reading!


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